Happy Birthday

Austin,

Happy birthday bubba! Has 5 years really gone by? I can't believe it! I have had such a busy year with your brother Tanner! Oh my, how he keeps me on my toes! We are living in Minnesota now! It is hard for mommy to be so far away from you especially on your birthday! Before our family moved to MN we stopped by to spend some much needed time with you. Tanner enjoyed playing and giving you some flowers that he picked out himself!

These past 5 years have been hard, and even though I would prefer you to be with me I have to say you have given me so much strength in ways I would never have known if you would have survived. Our family is closer, our determination to return to you in undeniable,  I love you so much for that! Thank you so much for the temporary moments when I feel you near, they are much needed!

I read this sometime this year, "The most precious jewels a mother will ever wear around her neck are the arms of her children." I take comfort in knowing Tanner has his arms around my neck, but I miss your arms everyday! I try to imagine what it would be like to feel both Tanner and yours around my neck at the same time, but thanks to a dear friend of mine, this will do till we meet again! Now I can keep you around my neck at all times (thank you, Leah!).

I can't believe 5 years ago your Daddy and I held you so tenderly in our hospital room and kissing your soft warm skin. Seeing your perfection was a wonder of God to me. I will always remember how beautiful you were. I will never, ever forget! Your birth was such a bitter sweet blessing in my life. I feel as though my life really started when you came to our family! Over the past years my love has grown for you even though you are not here.
But I hate how your memories fade year after year.  Weeks after you were first born I felt as if I had just been to the theater, front row and center, being able to vividly recall your tiny finger nails and the gut wrenching stab of not being able to take you home with us. But as the years pass away I seem to remember this "play" of your's farther and farther back into the rows of the theater. I can still see you on stage, but the sweat and tears are not as dramatic as it was, and it does help lessen the blow.
Through the up and coming years the details that I have of you may be harder to recall,  but I want you to know and remember that my love and longing to be with you will never, ever fade! Every time I have to move back a row know that I'm really just trying to see you in a different view. I will never leave your theater until it is time to meet you again back stage.

Happy birthday Austin!! Mommy loves you! We will be blowing out your 5 candles tonight!

Rest your head close to my heart, never to part, baby of mine!

Brynlee Faith Petersen

I am so grateful and blessed to be here in Minnesota at this time in my life. Since moving here I have honestly felt that we are here only because of Steven's new job and that I am just forced to find my own niche and move on with some purpose in my life here in Tinysota. However, in the last couple days the Lord has just blessed me with so much strength, beyond my own, and given me such feeling of purpose.

We have wonderful friends here who are Leah and Randy and live fairly close to us, they have helped us move here, helped us transition some, and their son Logan and our little Tanner are the best of buds, both are aggressive with each other, in a fun playful way, which makes it nice for both Leah and I to let them goof off together.

Before we moved here Leah told me they are expecting a sweet baby girl. While being here it has been so much fun watching that belly of hers grow and fun to listen to her joys and woes of pregnancy. And in this last month Erin and I  started plans for her shower since her due date was coming; October 13th. My mind was on a high as I had all these cute girly gift ideas swirled through out my mind.

On September 8, 2011 I was getting ready to leave home to start picking up some sewing things I would need for my project, but was held off when Leah gives me a call with news I could hardly bare, "We lost her..." is all I could really remember from our conversation. My heart sunk and pounded in empathy as I went completely numb while taken quickly back in time to January 12, 2007... Laying in bed at the hospital as my nurse turns to me and says, "I'm so sorry... I am so, so sorry honey, he is gone!"

Leah went into the hospital that night to begin labor and soon delivery of her perfect stillborn baby girl, Brynlee. I am SO grateful for her hospital for the help and support they gave her. Leah had a wonderful organization come in called the Missing Grace Foundation  who help guide her through this tragic experience. As for me my support was from my doctor saying, "It's okay, you'll have another one."

I rushed to the hospital the next morning feeling such anxiety and pain for her. The hallway just seemed to grow long as I walked down it... As I got to her door, room #6, I saw a white flower mounted onto it and felt so strange knowing it was me this time being the other side of it all. As I opened the door what peace I felt wash over me, I quickly ran over to give Leah hug as I pulled away my eyes were graced by this beautiful, perfect, precious baby Brynlee. Leah said, "It was the cord... wrapped 4 times around her neck..." The cord?? Ugggg.... It was as simple as the cord. I could write a novel about my anger with that darn umbilical cord, but I will spare you with that.

Randy proudly introduced me to Brynlee and I could not help but think how blessed and privilege I was to be in the presence of such a prefect celestial being. What a sleeping beauty....
Hours seemed to fly by but the world stood still in that room. I felt so lucky to be able to hold her. I rocked her ever so gently in the rocking chair and when I'd close my eyes I felt her presence in the room. My chest was so full that it could have exploded if it were physically possible.
Brynlee was so warm, she smelt so good... of lavender, it was so calming... While rocking Brynlee I held her tiny, delicate hand with one finger and examined her by tracing different parts of her silky warm face with my other hand, and oh... how I  just fell in love with her ruby red lips... she truly looked like  a princess to me. Even though it was hard for me I could not help but to see a little bit of Austin in her.

I saw so many tender moments... I saw Leah's sweet motherly touches as she rocked Brynlee on her chest.  Leah pressed her cheek up to Brynlee's and gently kissed her, then I noticed the warm colors of the September sun filtering into the room highlighting mother and child.  My heart just ached with her's when she said, "I'm running out of time... Can't I turn back the clock?" Having to let a baby go is heart wrenching... You know you have to do it, but how?  And seeing Randy tend and love his baby girl was unreal! He made sure she was warm in her blanket, talked to her, and embraced her in his arms of protection. I know Brynlee is proud she is his daughter.

It was soon getting late and I wanted Leah and Randy to have there alone time with Brynlee, I bent over to say my goodbyes to this sweet angle baby, gently scooped up her graceful hand and kissed her goodbye and heard a whisper in my ear... I turned and looked at Leah with a smile and said, "You know what? Austin just told me he has a huge crush on Brynlee!! We giggled and together while Leah responded, "Yeah, our children do get along quite well, don't they!"

As I got into my car that late afternoon I sat there so quietly... wishing for this feeling to not ever go away.  I did not want to move, I sat motionless as I felt embraced by Austin. As I breathed I felt as though he went through me... 4 1/2 years I have been grieving and struggling, but that day I had never felt this good. Being able to spend time with Brynlee felt as though I was given the second chance to be with Austin again. To be able to rock her brought lots of mending to my heart and soul.

Leah and Randy,
I can not tell you enough, THANK YOU for letting me share your burden. I feel so blessed to be apart of your lives and feel eternally grateful for the healing Brynlee gave me that day.  Brynlee is a child of God, and He has sent her here! Has given her an earthly home with parents kind and dear! Brynlee will lead you, guide you, walk beside you, help you find your way, teach you all that you must do to live with her someday.

4 Years Old

Austin Martin Wilcox was born into our family 4 years ago today! What an adventure we have had since then! So many emotions felt, obstacles defeated, hearts softened, relationships mended, and testimonies strengthened all because of this angel baby who we only knew for 8 hours.
He has been such blessing to have in our family! He often reminds me that he loves me and that I am doing a great job. He keeps my head up when I am down, pushes me out of bed when despair knocks on my door, reminds me of the love Christ has for me, I love him for that... My heart is heavy, but joyful all at the same time, is that possible?? I'm not sure... but I'm feeling it.
Often times when I am rocking Tanner I remind myself, "You have two sons, you know." Then my heart drops and breaks, then shatters into a millions dust bits knowing that only one of my sons is here with me, but I can't think that way because I was told once by a women who experience the same thing, she said with stern look on her face, "Do you know how special you are to have a child like Austin? Do you realize he chose YOU to be his mother?? No one else in the world could have been his mother but YOU! He is a valent son of our Heavenly Father who needed to get back to the Lords work."
I know that I have a special little family, and I am grateful to be apart of it.


       Our Precious Baby
Our precious baby was born today
Perfectly formed in every way
From the bottom of his feet
To the top of his head
This is the day any parent would dread
Only 1.07 pounds at 24 weeks
I held him in my arms as I brushed his soft cheeks
Being struck with amazement of my little man
I thought of my Heavenly Father and His eternal plan
Families are forever: our temple sealing makes it so
For this trial set before me is to help my testimony grow
Austin is my motivation, the anchor in my shore
So I can return to my Heavenly Father
And be with my baby once more.

Happy Birthday

January 13, 2007 at 6:15 a.m. Austin Martin Wilcox was born into our family. We miss him dearly! He would be 3 years old if he would have survived. It is so amazing how much of an impact he had on our lives. This was the last altrasound we had before he passed away. We love you Austin and we will see you again. Happy Birthday!