We have wonderful friends here who are Leah and Randy and live fairly close to us, they have helped us move here, helped us transition some, and their son Logan and our little Tanner are the best of buds, both are aggressive with each other, in a fun playful way, which makes it nice for both Leah and I to let them goof off together.
Before we moved here Leah told me they are expecting a sweet baby girl. While being here it has been so much fun watching that belly of hers grow and fun to listen to her joys and woes of pregnancy. And in this last month Erin and I started plans for her shower since her due date was coming; October 13th. My mind was on a high as I had all these cute girly gift ideas swirled through out my mind.
On September 8, 2011 I was getting ready to leave home to start picking up some sewing things I would need for my project, but was held off when Leah gives me a call with news I could hardly bare, "We lost her..." is all I could really remember from our conversation. My heart sunk and pounded in empathy as I went completely numb while taken quickly back in time to January 12, 2007... Laying in bed at the hospital as my nurse turns to me and says, "I'm so sorry... I am so, so sorry honey, he is gone!"
Leah went into the hospital that night to begin labor and soon delivery of her perfect stillborn baby girl, Brynlee. I am SO grateful for her hospital for the help and support they gave her. Leah had a wonderful organization come in called the Missing Grace Foundation who help guide her through this tragic experience. As for me my support was from my doctor saying, "It's okay, you'll have another one."
I rushed to the hospital the next morning feeling such anxiety and pain for her. The hallway just seemed to grow long as I walked down it... As I got to her door, room #6, I saw a white flower mounted onto it and felt so strange knowing it was me this time being the other side of it all. As I opened the door what peace I felt wash over me, I quickly ran over to give Leah hug as I pulled away my eyes were graced by this beautiful, perfect, precious baby Brynlee. Leah said, "It was the cord... wrapped 4 times around her neck..." The cord?? Ugggg.... It was as simple as the cord. I could write a novel about my anger with that darn umbilical cord, but I will spare you with that.
Randy proudly introduced me to Brynlee and I could not help but think how blessed and privilege I was to be in the presence of such a prefect celestial being. What a sleeping beauty....
Hours seemed to fly by but the world stood still in that room. I felt so lucky to be able to hold her. I rocked her ever so gently in the rocking chair and when I'd close my eyes I felt her presence in the room. My chest was so full that it could have exploded if it were physically possible.
Brynlee was so warm, she smelt so good... of lavender, it was so calming... While rocking Brynlee I held her tiny, delicate hand with one finger and examined her by tracing different parts of her silky warm face with my other hand, and oh... how I just fell in love with her ruby red lips... she truly looked like a princess to me. Even though it was hard for me I could not help but to see a little bit of Austin in her.
I saw so many tender moments... I saw Leah's sweet motherly touches as she rocked Brynlee on her chest. Leah pressed her cheek up to Brynlee's and gently kissed her, then I noticed the warm colors of the September sun filtering into the room highlighting mother and child. My heart just ached with her's when she said, "I'm running out of time... Can't I turn back the clock?" Having to let a baby go is heart wrenching... You know you have to do it, but how? And seeing Randy tend and love his baby girl was unreal! He made sure she was warm in her blanket, talked to her, and embraced her in his arms of protection. I know Brynlee is proud she is his daughter.
It was soon getting late and I wanted Leah and Randy to have there alone time with Brynlee, I bent over to say my goodbyes to this sweet angle baby, gently scooped up her graceful hand and kissed her goodbye and heard a whisper in my ear... I turned and looked at Leah with a smile and said, "You know what? Austin just told me he has a huge crush on Brynlee!! We giggled and together while Leah responded, "Yeah, our children do get along quite well, don't they!"
As I got into my car that late afternoon I sat there so quietly... wishing for this feeling to not ever go away. I did not want to move, I sat motionless as I felt embraced by Austin. As I breathed I felt as though he went through me... 4 1/2 years I have been grieving and struggling, but that day I had never felt this good. Being able to spend time with Brynlee felt as though I was given the second chance to be with Austin again. To be able to rock her brought lots of mending to my heart and soul.
Leah and Randy,
I can not tell you enough, THANK YOU for letting me share your burden. I feel so blessed to be apart of your lives and feel eternally grateful for the healing Brynlee gave me that day. Brynlee is a child of God, and He has sent her here! Has given her an earthly home with parents kind and dear! Brynlee will lead you, guide you, walk beside you, help you find your way, teach you all that you must do to live with her someday.
